I guess it’s been a while. I’ve had a few vague ideas floating around, but so far they’re too light — not enough substance for them to drift down to my level. Right now they’re drifting like dandelion seeds….perhaps soon they’ll gain enough substance and weight so I can grasp them.
OK, that was fun to write that. Basically I have some rough ideas but that’s about it. And haven’t really had the inclination or focus to pull them out and develop them. And that’s ok.
So today marks another trip around the sun. 39 times around as of today — and without trying to be too morbid, I wonder if I’ll see 40. If I do how much or how little will the world at large and my little slice of it have changed in that time?
I’ve been thinking. It’s early 2016. Approximately the last quarter of 2015 and the first quarter of 2016 I spent battling suicidal thoughts almost every waking moment. Sure, often they’d be shoved aside for minutes or hours from my concious thought — but they were always there, just below the surface, and even sometimes in my dreams. I specify dreams because it’s rare that I remember dreaming. I usually say “I don’t dream” but in reality, that’s not true. If you do not have REM sleep (the dream phase) it is extremely debilitating from what I understand. So I do dream, I just don’t remember them when I wake up.
Anyway. A year ago I was fighting tooth and nail and clawing and climbing my way out of that nasty pit. I didn’t know how I was going to “fix” it but I knew that next time I fall that deep, I may not be able to climb back out. That was a year ago. A year ago I was married, not happily — but hoping things would fall back together. Now, a year later, I’m separated. I’m happier and more stable mentally and emotionally. I’ve had a rough go of things the last 2 years. It’s crazy how it feels like ages ago and just yesterday at the same time. I know a lot of good and bad has happened since then. Specifics are foggy, but I know I’ve had some highs and lows since then. I would like to think I’m getting better at being me. Or rather, finding me again. I’m ok with being separated. I’m ok that I struggle with Anxiety, and much as I don’t want to think about it, recurring depression as well. i say I don’t want to think about it because falling into depression is like an exponential curve in reverse. It starts slowly but rapidly accelerates downward. Hopefully I’m aware enough that I can catch it early and seek treatment BEFORE I hit bottom. But again, I don’t know when it’s going to happen. I just acknowledge that it will.
A year ago. A year ago I turned 38 and wasn’t sure I wanted to see 39. Now I’m 39, and while I want to see 40…. I wonder who I’ll be by then. I can’t explain why but that’s a sobering thought.